Value of Anger

I think there is great value in anger or frustration. I've recently been feeling very angry and trying to release it in the least-harmful ways. I have found it is most helpful to have an ear in which to vent - but this ear has to be specially trained.

How to listen to a woman who is angry:

1. Be neutral. You are not here to solve their problems OR diminish them - the angry person needs to feel they can rant on and on about how their life is total CRAP. You simply have to be there and say "what else?"

2. Don't diminish or minimize. Again, please don't say "it's not that bad" or "I would still like your life over mine"...this is the time for the angry person to feel incredibly sorry for themselves and get to the bottom of it. Do mirror back what they say - "I hear you are frustrated with (by)..." and use their EXACT words.

3. They're not done...When you think they are done, keep asking "what else is bothering you" or simply "what else". The angry person WILL have an end, even if it seems endless.

4. Assure this person they are loved.

Story: When I was in college, I called my mom in a terrible state of anger. I blamed her for everything I was going through and might have (eeek!) told her she was a "bad mom" (not true!). She did NOT take this personally, but instead sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers the next day to say she loved me (unconditionally). This was the most graceful way to handle my anger. Great example, mom!

All we need to hear is "I'm so sorry" (....for this thing that is happening in your life - NOT that you are taking responsibility for it) and then we want to be spoiled with a gesture of love. A card, a sticky-note on the bathroom mirror- saying "you're beautiful" will assure the woman you can stick by her no matter what - which, according to Tony Robbins is a deeply-seeded fear for women.

You two can SOLVE the problems when said woman is not angry. She first needs the VENTING step to get it all out of her system, much like clearing clutter!

5. The Turn Around. Because this anger doesn't last forever, even if the problems are still there - the Turn Around is when the woman can transform the same situations (i.e. "I'm mad we have to move twice in 3 months") into why this is actually a great advantage (i.e. "I am grateful we have to move twice in 3 months because it will really help us pair down and only move what we truly love and will need. We will not move one ounce of clutter by doing this and our new home will be more organized because of it!")

WARNING - do NOT try to have the woman do the "turn around" technique when they are trying to vent. Keep in the "negative state" with them so they have a chance to feel and vent everything before having to make it right.

The next day, or in a few days, you could ask - "IS there any way this situation is actually helpful to your life?" She can absolutely say "no, it totally sucks"....but this can crack the opening of a new thought around the same problem.

If the anger persists, there might be some stale grief or other underlying issue the woman needs to work out with a professional. Try to let her come to this realization instead of you suggesting it.

Thanks for reading this! ~Liz